I couldn't even imagine a title

It's hard to reconcile somethings when your intelligence is far beyond your emotional capabilities.

My last relationship was not healthy. It probably would have been emotionally and mentally abusive if I had allowed it to be, whether he meant to be that way or not. But I have had enough of that kind of treatment in my life. I let him get away with more than he should have, but I never completely lost control of what was happening.

We had a fight after a month together... sort of. My friend was worried about me, because she knew how he was, and didn't want me to go to deal with our bickering alone... she thought he'd hurt me. I still don't think he'd have had the balls to hit me, I could kick his ass. SO she came in the car with me, and waited outside while I went in to talk. He came into the kitchen, said hello, and I told him she was out there. He looked at me and said "goodbye."

"alright, goodbye"
"wait!"
"what?"
"Is this it?"
"I think it might be. Can we fix this?"
"I don't know."
"alright. Goodbye."
And I left.

But it wasn't it.

He liked to try to tell me not to ever say bad things about myself, not to even think them. Which would be sweet... if it didn't involve him pulling the car to the side of the road, saying it commandingly, and refusing to drive again until I agreed. When he realized that telling me what to do was useless, in fact counter productive, he did find one thing that worked: unexplicably acting sullen. He just suddenly started moping one night while we were together, and didn't stop sitting there vascilating silently between a strange depression and a random anger for a good 45 minutes... that was torture to me. He felt guilty when he realized that though, and never did it again. That's why I suspect he may have been trying to play these games. But like my new pin says, "you fuck with me and you fuck with the master."

I think he did love me. I know I loved him, and in a way I guess I still do. It makes me angry to see these girls he's dating know... they aren't pretty enough, smart enough, or anything he wants. Unless you just go by his overwhelming desire to be normal. To smoke and tan and hang out with idiots.
Not to be himself, to stick out in a crowd, to picnic at midnight in a graveyard and admit to being a little kinky.

But I don't want someone who tries to pretend they're something else.

And it makes me angry to know that I care what he's doing, 6 months later, after all the shit, after how he treated me when we were together, after what he said when we broke up... I guess I'll always hate that I care about most of the people who hurt me in life. I'm a prime target for an abuser... except for the part where I don't back down anymore.