1.13.2010

so, as it turns out, I am stll female.

Ok, my thoughts on this a re pretty disjointed, so I'm just gonna write it and maybe fix it later. No promises.

My favorite color is blue, despite many 5 year old's protestations that "blue is a boy color." I love to play football and basketball. I panic at the thought of trying to buy nylons or "feminine napkins," because there are just so freaking many choices, and I just don't know how it all works. I rarely date, but have many male friends. I go to a strip club (and you, yes you, mention that on my facebook and I will unfriend you. Maybe block you. My parents go on there. Or maybe just delete the comment and be pissy, but you get the point.) I am comfortable in a "protector/provider" role in my life. I could probably kick the crap out of most people I know. When women do that whole, "you know what you did wrong" act, I am completely baffled. No, I don't know what I did wrong. Cleaning was invented by satan. None of that makes me feel badly about myself, as some in my life have implied it should.

But it used to. Do you know why I keep my blog in more "feminine" colors (though I do love purples), and use sames with prefixes/suffixes like "lady?"I started doing it when I was 11, because one day I found out that all my internet friends thought I was a guy. I cried when I first found out. I'd never been properly "girly," and many kids had been unkind about that. It seemed like a further statement - "you're just not right." (it might make things clearer to remeber that I was in Christian schools and the like, if you know some of the traditional religious views on gender roles and behaviors.) It continues to this day - if I don't make it obvious, they assume I'm male. Some have even thought that I was perhaps transgendered. But I don't really mind anymore. Sometimes I correct them, "actually, I'm female, but it's ok," sometimes I just ignore it because their assumptions don't really matter to me, sometimes I play with it, pretend that I am a guy, to see how differently I'm treated and reacted to. The differences can be huge.

that's all I really have on the subject, it was more of a musing than anything else, but I've been wanting to blog, and I finally found my writing prompt. Thanks, Rita Don't get me wrong. My vagina is awesome.

8 comments:

Ranch Chimp said...

My compliment's to this posting and your honesty .... as well as your posting concerning "adult retailer's" on Ms.Rita's blog.

Thank You

rita said...

As an old(I mean that in more ways then one)friend, I say...above all else, trust your own intuition.
& I know this sounds like a cliche, but...I like you because you are an individual, unique, intelligent & independent.

I never really wanted to be like those girly girls. When I was young they tormented me because I was poor & socially backward. When got older I thought those kinds of women were mostly empty headed & vain...i.e.boring. The church IS full of them. Not to say they didn't intimidate me, & that was the worst, allowing a bunch of empty headed fools to decide my self worth. It's taken me more then half my life to be comfortable in my own skin.

Starry Lady said...

RC - honesty is easy, it's the internet and I'm semi-anonymous. Never really been that worried about what people know anyway. Except my parents, as I wrote, but really, that's for their own well-being. And glad you liked my comments there, I feel like a twerp for just taking over with dumb stories.

Rita - I've been ok with myself for a long time, but it can be rough growing up knowing that you're just not "acceptable." It can be weird for me, because on the one hand, I do like makeup and nailpolish and boys, but on the other, some days I just get up, but on my jeans, t shirt, and sneakers, and just kinda feel like a rockstar anyway. ok, I tried to tell a long rambling story here, but I couldn't make it coherent - btw, I'll try not to hijack your blog like that again, I was super bored at work and appear to have lost my mind a bit. I'm gonna try to keep those bits where I babble on about nothing/not much on here, now...

Morning Star said...

first, u were always female to me, right from the beginning.

yes, i sensed *and still do* ur more comfy assuming a different role in things than most girls.
that can be a good thing, it just depends.

and..

sum of us arent comfy w/the roles we have in life cuz of multiple reasons but thats just how it is.

i wud much rather be a totally different kind of guy but dats like wishing it snowed in June.

u r who u feel u r.

if u feel female, then dats ur true identity. no one can tell u different. they can make u feel miserable / question urself but thats it.

strip clubs r okay. sexuality is ok. age *+experience* take care of those things, provided ppl r open to it.

ur one of the MOST awesom persons i will ever know. in case ya didnt think so


ps. sis always beat me @basketball, e'en w/the vast difference in height!!

Starry Lady said...

I guess it's that I've never really felt that my gender limited my identity, if you get that.

Of course strip clubs are ok, I just don't need to explain that to my poor conservative Baptist parents.

I know you think I'm pointlessly awesome. I think you're pretty awesome. I also think you're more than a little bit silly for thinking I'm so awesome.

Yeah, I kicked my brother's butt at all sports. But he can cook, so his skill wins for usefulness. dammit.

Morning Star said...

***VERY tickled by yer mention of conservative parents***


we do exist beyond mere gender roles. i have a problem with it when ppl r so confined by them they cannot react any other way.

liek any other kind of social programming, its a bit annoying and more than a tad bit insidious, since it happens to us unconsciously, before we r ready to contemplate its effect / usefulness..


will liekly ne'er understand why u imagine im awesom. then again, u do have an awesom imagination [=

oh, u'll be more useful in the event of Zombie Apocalypse!
[[wink]]

Morning Star said...

@Rita

when u say empty-headed & boring..
u wud be accurate!

im glad ya saw thru the "fog o' war"
..takes inner strength + keen mind to do this

Rita said...

starry
Never worry about hi-jacking my blog. I enjoy the conversation.
I esp. enjoy hearing from my old blogging friends. Although some of them don't come around much anymore.
*hint*